Beast Wars Make it Real Big!
by Harlequin2
Summary: Um... this is the greatest story ever told, as told by Chris and Perrin and Kyle, too. NOW WITH THE BRAND NEW SECOND CHAPTER THAT ALL IN THIS WORLD HAVE BEEN CLAMORING FOR!
1. Chapter 1: Beast Wars: Make it REAL BIG

BEAST WARS  
  
'MAKE IT REAL BIG'  
  
WE join our heroes while they battle the evil megatron!  
  
'Oh geez big bot,. what's goin onnnnn?' screeches cheetor.  
'well that's just prime!' quoth the optimus.  
(shots fired)  
(Rattrap parachutes in)  
"hey hey hey, its you favorite neighborhood rat....trap!' says rattrap.  
"Its about time rattrap, how was your reconnaissance mission to the enemy base." Asked optimus.  
"oh geez, I saw the preds on their way to attacking the energon fields beneath the citadel." Reported rattrap  
(tigatron maximizes)  
"Grawrowr, I'll be back!!" yelled tigatron.  
"go maximals!" yells rhinox  
(shots fired)  
(Meanwhile at the predacon base)  
  
"damage report!" demanded megatron.  
"so much damage!" waspinator said, "waspinator is afraid that the damage will continue!"  
"DAMMIT!" TErrorsaur said, "We need more time!"  
Blackarachnia cackled, "WELL WE WILL NEVER HAVE TIME! NEVER EVER IN THIS LIFE TIME!"  
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" megatron dived out of the base just in time, and the base exploded!  
(Just then tarantulas arrives!)  
"Oh my goodness, the base!' interjected tarantulas.  
"yes, Tarantulas, yes." Megatron pried.  
(knocking sound!)  
"who's that knocking?"  
"It's US, YOU INGRATES!" shouted Airazor with every fiber of HER SOUL!  
"it was you all along!" said waspinator who managed to escape the blasts!  
(Airazor then exploded! )  
"Who is responsible for this airazor bomb?" tarantulas questioned whilst being suspicious.  
"who knows?" tarantulas answered, answering his own question, "who knows?"  
  
we rejoin our heroes in their battle against megatron  
  
"Well it seems our airazor bomb has worked, and with stunning success!" squealed cheetor.  
  
"shut up "  
  
"by the matrix!" says tigertron  
  
"we should attack megatron while his base is weakened!!  
  
"NEVer!!!!" screams Rhinox as he runs away  
  
"dammit rhinox, I know it's tough dealing with your loss, but we will work through this....together" exclaims optimus as he comforts rhinox, patting him on the shoulder.  
  
"I...I know..." sniffs rhinox.  
  
"let's get 'em!!" screams Cheetor as he rushes into battle  
  
cheetor dies  
  
"excellent!" Megatron says very happily. "predacons, attack!"  
  
"This is not prime, "sulks optimus.  
  
(rattrap fires shots)  
  
"Im hit!" Caws scorponok.  
  
(scorponok fires his tail acid) (it hits the energon deposits)  
  
'nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!," yells tigatron. "The forests!!!!!!"  
  
(the forests light on fire)  
  
"Hahahahahahahahahahaha, those forests will never be the same, "yells scorponok.  
  
"We came here to protect the land, but now we have lost the trust of the forest," groans optimus.  
  
"The assault is complete, and the citadel is ours!"  
  
"That's what you think," yells the forest. "I love you all with open arms."  
  
(waspinator attacks) "OOOOOOHHHHHH, WAAAASPINATOR HEAD HURT."  
  
(Suddenly, from amongst the woodwork)  
  
"anybody call for a dentist" dinobot asked.  
  
"Dinobot!" everyone cheered.  
  
Suddenly, dinobot arrived on the scene. He began shooting at the square.  
  
"no!" megatron screeched to tarantulas, "if that square is hit, that means the end for this adventure!"  
  
"but... but... what about... the fairy?" waspinator suggested, using tact.  
  
"DAMN IT, 'Spinator! You know the dangers of love!"  
  
Waspinator sighed, "You're right... I forgot about the dangers of love."  
  
Suddenly there was a blast from the past!  
  
"DO DODO DOODODODODODOODOD" silverbolt was in the shower, as he heard the siren's song?  
  
"rhinox? Optimus? Anybody hear that siren's song?"  
  
Suddenly there was a knock on the door, silverbolt answered... It was rhinox, "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" he then went away, and silverbolt continued to shower... unaware that rattrap had planned it all along.  
  
back at the now destroyed predacon base, the preds are cleaning up the mess from the battle  
  
"dammit, now that the maximals have the love of the forests, it seems we're going to have to make drastic measures...."  
  
"you...don't mean..." started Tarantulas  
  
"yes!" fade out on megatron's smiling face "yes...."  
  
back at the maximal base  
  
"alright, I want rattrap and silverbolt to hold the fort at the citadel" exclaims optimus.  
  
Silverbolt glares at rattrap as he chews on his hamburger.  
  
"what about me??" asks dinobot.  
  
"how many times do I have to tell you dinobot, money won't buy you love."  
  
Dinobot hangs his head in shame "I know....I'm so sorry".  
  
rattrap and silverbolt arrive at the citadel  
  
"Oh no, the citadel has been torn apart by the Fairy....... Grawrowr." Grawrowred tigatron  
  
"the love of the forest will save us from these terrible stallions," trusted rattrap.  
  
(love of the forest saves them)  
  
"thank god for the love of the forest," thanked dinobot.  
  
"oh no, that stallion is going to hit the square," murmured the forest's love.  
  
"hahahahahhahahahahhha, these roots shall set you free, "said megatron as he and his cronies attacked the citadel.  
  
"oh no, the citadel!!!! We forgot about it, now it is all over and no one will be the same again, "Tigatron squealed in displeasure.  
  
(everyone turns purple. But as we all know that's not enough to stop optimus!)  
  
(OPTIMUS RAN! BUT MEGATRON WAS GAINING!)  
  
"GO BIG BOT!" the dead corpse of cheetor gas emissioned.  
  
"SHOW'm WHO is a sexy piece of man candy1" silverbolt interjected.  
  
But megatron's might was very might and he was gonna beat optimus until...  
  
"OPTIMUS Evolve to.......... RAPIDASH!"  
  
"the evolution to rapidash was enough to tip the scales, if you know what I mean!" rattrap said, he then digested scorponok.  
  
"well, I guess that answers THAT question," rhinox said.  
  
"but what of the citadel?" dinobot asked.  
  
"I'm not really the citadel," said the citadel, "I'm blackarachnia!" she then started making passionate love.  
  
"hahaa," said rapidash (formerly Optimus) "you just answered your own question!"  
  
"by the matrix! It seems we've been swindled by black arachnia!!" squealed rapidash.  
  
"that's it, in order to finish this, we challenge you to a race!" says rattrap.  
  
"ha! Everyone knows that I am the fastest transformer this side of the dmv!" exclaims megatron with a sly grin.  
  
"put your peaches where your mouth is, bucko!" says rattrap. Rattrap hops on rapidash, and the race begins!!!  
Megatron is indeed a fast runner and it looks like he'll win!  
  
"time to put the pedal to the medal big bot!" says rattrap.  
  
"that's....huff just....huff prime!" says rapidash between breaths as he kicks it into high gear!  
Megatron realizes that it's the crucial, deciding moment, and being the love struck fool that he is, he uses his oil slick!  
"hahaha, fools I told you I was the best!"  
"ah, but we just passed the dmv!"  
"noooOo!" megatron screams as he loses the lead.  
  
dramatic music; rapidash running in slow motion. Rattrap punching fist slowly in the air.  
  
"yay! Thanks to the guile of rattrap and the classic good leaderness ofrapidash/optimus, the maximals have won the beast wars!!!" says rhinox wisely.  
  
"indeed....indeed" tarantulas laughs maniacally as he backs away into the recesses of his doom-filled cavern.  
  
THE END 


	2. Chapter 2: Make it Real BIGGER

BEAST WARS: Make it Real Bigger

"I'm gettin' awful tired here boss," rapidash said.

"I don't fucking care who you are!" optimus also said.

"I'm gonna brawl you."

"You're gonna brawl me? I'm gonna brawl you!" a disembodied voice croaked.

"Croak, croak my friend, croak, croak."

As the brawl progressed past the early croaking stages and into the later croaking stages, tensions ran higher than they ran at the citadel.

The corpse of cheetor was buried close by. The maximals could feel the presents he had left near the burial grounds. They were boxy and decorated with pretty bows.

Suddenly there was a huge explosion!

"OH NO!" said Blackarachnia. "What's exploding? I'm worried about my love!"

"You should be," Silverbolt said. "There's DANGER!"

SILVERBOLT DIED!

"Now that SIlverbolt died," Rhinox wisely surmised, "It's time for great thought. And great emotionalism."

Rattrap guffawed.

Dinobot suddenly showed up on his motorcycle. "Hey, Dudes! Looks like you brought a knife... to A GUNFIGHT!"

"You're always showing off at these **Double-Funerals, **DinoBAT!" The maximals thought.

"I have to turn on you in order to resurrect my dead soulmate!" Blackarachnia reasoned!

The maximals had to run in various directions in order to avoid her.  
"Curse you, 'rachnia!" cursed Optidash.

-MEANWHILE IN THE DREADFUL PREDACON AREA WHILE THEY LICKED THEIR WOUNDS FROM THE RACE THAT THEY HAD LOST TO QUITE A BIT OF SHAME -

"I invented something" Tarantulas cacKled.

"Yes...?" Megatron hedonized.

"I STOLE IT ALREADY, BETRAYING YOU FOR** POWER!**" SCREAMED Terrorsaur.

"He got away." quoted Megatron as he amused himself with his mind games.

"How am I to escape the clutches of Megatron?" questioned Tarantulas as he sidled his way out of the predacon area.

"How indeed to escape the predacon area?" Megatron was not amused, luckily he had placed small bells around tarantulas' neck and followed shortly, but sweetly, behind...

Quickstrike was down on the ranch when he got the call. "Striker!" Megatron called. "We're onto that treacherous spider's TRAIL!"

"But Megatron," Scorponok implored, summoning his last bit of will. "You know what that old gypsy woman said...!"

"Nonsense!" Megatron screamed. "I take no heed of gypsy women or their ILK!"

LIttle did he know, he'd already estaBLISHED HIS FATE.

Tigatron was meditating in his garden, thinking about that moment of ecstasy he had shared with that old gypsy shaman right before she shared the secrets of immortality with him when Blackarachnia approached from the shadows of the trees.

"I don't understand how you function in a world that demands thumbs," Tigatron groaned.

"I suffer from necrophilia." she whispered

"that is the code word."

"I know."

"That is why you brought this rotting corpse?"  
"Machines can't rot."

"Stop correcting me, I am the teacher."

"When will I ever see my lover again?"

"He is right here!" Silverbolt woke up.

"You were alive the whole time!"

"I was alive the whole time, I thought you were dead?"

"You have been the dead one the whole time," mysteriously cackled the Bolt of Silver. "I received this information from Depthcharge."

"CHARGE! CHARGE! DEPTHCHARGE CHARRRRR!" Pokemoned Depthcharge as he charged off into the depths.

Blackarachnia was lost as to what had been going on and yet... she knew everything.

But they all had cancer.

Rattrap, Rhinox and Rapidash moaned and groaned on the GRAVEL. "EVERYONE WHO WASN'T IN THE FIRST EPISODE IS SUFFERING FROM CANCER!" Rapidash screeched.

Suddenly, from amongst the woodwork...

"Did anybody call for a DENTIST?" Dinobot asked.

"No."

Suddenly, Dinobot arrived on the scene. "If everyone who wasn't in the pilot episode now has cancer, what does it mean for US?"

"It means we don't have cancer."

"Oh."

Dinobot shot Rhinox in the head.

"He was a zombie! It turned out." gasped Rattrap.

"I was bit but I'm not going to tell anybody because I think that's the best course of action," whispered rapidash.

"I heard you." Dinobot said, and blew his brains out.

"Great. Now Blackarachnia haunts my dreams again!" cried Terrorsaur.

"There there, it's okay" said Waspinator.

"Spinator? You betrayed everyone also?"

"yes." continued Terrorsor. "'Yes' is what he would have said if he had betrayed everyone also. He hasn't betrayed everyone also, we learned that in the dentist's office. That dentist's office was full of robots without their exterior plating. That was the best trip to the dentist I had ever had, and I HAD 3 CAVITIES!"

"Oh you horn dog you, " Hornied Rapidash over the corpse of Dinobot.

Dinobot's corpse shuddered as he rose from the dead.

"It would seem he truly thought with his penis!" Suddenly Rapidash whirled around and shot Terrorsaur in the dick, "Just like zombie-Terrorsaur."

Zombie-Terrorsaur crumpled to the ground. Upon his death, Rapidash quickly reverted to Ponyta, the Ponyta we all know and love, the non-zombie-Ponyta. Ponyta galloped off to find the Optimus inside of him, much to the chagrin of Rhinox.

"SIGHHH, what will the forest do with such troubles?" Moaned chagrining Rhinox.

"YOU GOT TOO COCKY, YOU WERE SO CLOSE!"

"Why aren't you dead?" Rattrap asked.

"Because this is TOO IMPORTANT!" Rhinox shook Rattrap with all of his truth. "If we're to defeat the cancer plaguing us and the zombieism plaguing us, it is IMPERATIVE that Rapidash revert to his true form. THAT OF OPTIMAL OPTIMUS!"

Thunder crackled their skin.

Meanwhile, Tarantulas was taking stock of the dead. "Okay, let's take stock of this dead. Who are the dead?" Tarantulas pleaded to Inferno.

"YOU!" Tarantulas screamed, answering his own plea. AND HE SHOT HIM IN THE FACE and buried him in a shallow grave and wept for his lost childhood.

Megatron showed up in front of the AXALON. "I wish to discuss... a TRUCE!"" Megatron implored. "If we're going to defeat this menace, we're going to have to talk it up. Kiss it up,"

"No one understands what you're talking about and why you keep dreaming," Rattrap said. And he slowly walked away.

Ponyta whinnied in the circle, as the survivors encircled him. "We have a deep menace," Rhinox's possibly zombified corpse said.

"Rhinox I don't even understand what you...are" Megatron Megatronned.

"Sometimes you have to go with your gut, y'know?" Blackarachnia suggested.

"No one invited you!" No one said.

"I know no one invited me, it's because you think I'm a cancerous zombie, isn't it? The woods said that cancerous zombies would be the end of us!"

"Who is she talking to?" Cried Cheetor.

"CHEETOR! Are you a zombie too! Because you should definitely be dead, I think..." heard Megatron.

"No, I'm a leper."

"Well that's not very...oh." and everyone set up a leper colony for Cheetor where he got to drink as many mimosas as he wanted while his skin slowly fell off his sexy sexy metallic frame.

"Why doesn't anyone care that I stole that device from Team Predacon?" Cried Terrorsaur.

"No one cares about you Terrorsaur. The moment you care about something, we immediately stop." concluded everyone.

"Everything went perfectly to plan," mused the aging Tarantulas as he reminisced on his exploits as a young haberdasher.

"Wait, you haberdashed?" asked his wide eyed and idealistic son.

"No, I meant a betrayer of all things evil!" Tarantulas spilled his soup on his son, but could not pick it up for he was old and feeble.

"Where was I?"

"You were explaining how everyone succumbed to lycanthropy..."

"Oh yes. The time when I made love to a she-wolf..."

"Dad I've heard this story a THOUSAND TIMES! You go on to say that she, turned out to be a he and he introduced you to mom! and then you three had ME!"

"And that's how babies are made, a she-he-wolf, a tarantulas and a MOM!"

"Dad."

"Sonnie? Have I ever told you the story of..."

"If i have to hear one more story one more time than 12 times, I'm going to blow his brains out," yelled Spiderman Jr.

Luckily, Tarantulas had lost most of his hearing from his old age. Unluckily, he heard every word. Luckily, he could do nothing to stop Spiderman Jr from WHENCE HE CAME! Unluckily enough, Tarantulas had lost all of his money earlier in the day in a freak race.

"Dad, can we go to a freak race?"

"No, shut up," Tarantulas spat, as he receded back into the shadows.

"Dear," came the sweet siren's song of Tarantulas' wife SLASH Spiderman Jr.'s mom. "Can you come in here for a moment?'

Tarantulas walked in there for a moment, revealed his wife to be none other than AIRAZOR. "Oh, honey. I love you with all of my feathers and wings and beak."

"No, shut up," Tarantulas spat.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR! Tarantulas' little spider bots that are always crawling around doing his bidding answered the door.

"Hey! It's your friendly neighborhood Rat... TRAP!" Rattrap shouted. AND THEY WERE ALL THERE. All of them. Optimus, Rhinox, Megatron, Cheetor too! And they were all smiling and clapping for him.

"You ready for the next great adventure, Old Friend?" Blackarachnia asked.

"You betcha, treacherous widow! She-DeviL! I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Did anybody call for a Dentist?"

Why, yes. Why, yes, they did...

THE END?


End file.
